Monday, May 10, 2010

Who is Creative Cashew..

Creative Cashew has a "different" kind of personality. She likes to be a smart ass. She uses the smart ass attitude to hide her emotions, then when the emotions get to be too much she explodes. There is only so much one can take, and when she can't take it anymore she either shuts down or explodes. Adding so much as someone asking for a glass of water can sometimes push her over the edge.

She is also the type that goes nuts with no routine. She has to have a routine, and usually there really hasn't been one in about 4 years. She has lost her identity, and she really does not know what makes her happy anymore. Her regular routine seems to come in waves; one minute she knows what's going on, then the next her home is out of control.

Da Casheww loves to get involved with projects, sometimes to the point that it's too much and she does not like it. She is like a total ADHD person, always has to have a project to flip to when she has other things going on and really don't have time for them.

CC shows her love and appreciation for things by doing things for others; then she is really let down then when people don't appreciate it. She has a hard time dealing with others that shows affection by touches. She also has a hard time fitting in with other women, and sometimes her best friends are online so that she can stay hidden in the confines of her house because she feels that others don't appreciate her in the community and feels like other women that are somewhat (or should be) close look down upon her. She hides her feelings from these people with avoidance and hides her hurt underneath her anger. Her tears keep her up at night and really it effects her sleep and moods too much. She would love to tell these people to shove off, that she puts her pants on just like any other woman and does not understand why others don't see her for who she is. CC would love to take the opportunity to tell these people off, but because of circumstances that would effect her loved ones or others she cares about she feels she cannot. She also gets very defensive when others attack a family member, loved one or a dear friend- though she will blow up behind closed doors; another hidden mechanism to not get others into a situation that may not be the best situation for them.

Other times Da Casheww can get bold and gutsy, but usually she does it without thinking and then has to deal with the consequences. She likes to stand for what she believes in and sometimes feels that it's her against the world. It gets to the point that she realizes there is not really anything to be done about it, backs into her house to not come out and backs away from the whole situation completely, though she still feels the hurt, anger and anguish; and that's once again there to hide her emotions about the situation.

The song that shows Cashew's feelings the most is "The Broken Road" because it makes her remember what led her to where she is now. If it were not for past events in her life, she would not be who she is today.

Creative loves her children very much; however it is sometimes hard to show that and the mean Mommy comes out and the children hate that side of her. She believes she has "assisted" her children to the point that they depend on her too much and also believes in "tough love" though sometimes she throws a fork into the trail and tries to help her kids through it. She is learning to let things go and to let the kids experience tough love or natural consequences on their own. She wants her kids to be like wolves... dependent only on themselves, but still has the "pack" or siblings to fall back on.

Da Casheww also believes in a "GOD" or Higher power. With her being part Indian she wishes she knew that portion of her life more and she has had many different types of religion in her life; one that turned completely on her and she really would like to return to a church but feels reluctant because of events taken from years before. She is confused with her religious beliefs, though she truly knows that she believes.

More about me to follow after she has time to actually digest the feelings I have let flow.


1 comment:

  1. I am like that with friends to... my best ones are also online.

    Church.... well that is a touchy subject too but I definitely believe in Jesus Christ and that he died for me.

    Feelings just suck in general I think!!