Sunday, September 11, 2011
Right or wrong, I think it's a grey area and each individual will have to check their conscience with God. And for now, I'm going to enjoy watching the new season of Sister Wives. Makes for good tv and that's what life is all about, right???
Until next time,
Friday, September 9, 2011
Grief is so cyclical and can hit you hard, before you even know it.
In our church's circle there was a baby girl born much earlier than expected, but was doing fine at first. (Her grandparents and aunts attend my church, but her immediate family does not). A couple of weeks ago, she was hospitalized for bowel issues. Diagnosed with something that required surgery to fix. She was unstable and so they couldn't do surgery. She was starting to stabilize when they got BAD news today. A test determined that half her brain was dead and pushing on the other half. I got a text from my best friend with the prayer chain message. It didn't register. I just texted back, "ok".
Later in the afternoon I was sitting with the kids doing a lapbook and watching a children's program for a review. Somehow I got onto Facebook and saw all the updates and requests for prayer for this little girl. I read over and over again about the brain damage. Suddenly it clicked. I dialed my best friend's number. It rang and rang and rang. Finally I hung up. I barely hung up and the phone rang. She had just missed my call. She asked what I wanted and I stuttered and stammered and started to sob.
Me: I can't . ... I don't know how....
Me: I want to be strong... I thought I was better... I want to help...
Friend: It's about that baby, right?
Friend: You don't want any more updates.
Friend: I am not surprised to receive this call. Every time I went to update this prayer request, I cringed telling you. I'm sorry. I know this is hard for you.
Me: I'm taking a Facebook break.
Friend: Just block the people talking about it.
Me: I'd have to block everyone. (And I started listing the people I'd seen updating.)
Friend: Wow, yeah, you would have to block everyone.
My son died due to brain damage. He was starved of oxygen at birth. We prayed for a miracle. Our church people prayed for a miracle. We prayed and begged and tried not to bargain with God for his life.
I think they are dumb to continue to pray for a miracle. If that baby continues to live, if they keep that baby on machines.... They are dumb. They are selfish. They are mean and cruel.
(Please know this is the grief talking. I don't really feel this way, not really.)
Maybe God will just do this miracle to prove me wrong. If so, good for Him and good for them. But why couldn't He do that miracle for me? Why didn't I get to keep my firstborn son?
There are so many tangents my mind goes when I reach this point. My life and what it would be like now had my baby lived. And whether he fully recovered or whether he lived disabled and to what severity. My marriage and how it survived and what if it hadn't of survived. The parents of this baby . . . will they make it with their marriage intact? What is my role in this situation? I don't even know the parents personally. And not often, but sometimes, what did I do wrong to loose my baby?
For now, I'll leave the questions and end this post here.
Until next time,
The Lovely Lioness
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
When you said your vows, what were you expecting? I suspect if you were like most women, you thought you were entering a partnership. You would enjoy shared power, right?
I bet you’ve discovered something quite different, though. I bet he likes to have power over you, isn’t that so? And to ensure he achieves and maintains this, he might well use emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and even sexual abuse, too.
The thing is, you might not even realize that your relationship with your narcissistic spouse is filled with these forms of abuse. You might feel badly or experience emotional pain much of the time, but still not understand why. You might well believe your narcissistic spouse when he tells you how you are the problem, and if you just changed and did these things he wanted, well, life would be grand.
For him, that is.
He keeps emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and sexual abuse in his marital toolbox because they work for him. Meanwhile, you believe that the two of you have a partnership.
Sorry, but a relationship with a narcissist is not about partnership. Those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism don’t know what that means. They are self centered. They lack empathy. And more than anything else, they are grandiose. Whether successful or not, they feel entitled to have what they want when they want it.
Rather like the two-year-old.
The narcissistic throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want, too. The difference is, they scream more than how they hate you; those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism are inclined to scream obscenities and other hurtful things. All of them help your self esteem to plunge, plus make the anxiety butterflies swirl, wouldn’t you agree?
So, how many of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder must your narcissistic spouse meet in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for you to be the victim of his narcissism—which could be fueling his abuse plus perhaps alcoholism or drug addiction?
Sadly, too often, these all come together in one neatly wrapped package.
But back to the question I originally posed; I really can’t answer it.
What I will say, though, is don’t keep you eyes shut because in the beginning, things were so good between the two of you. You might have believed you had finally met your white knight. You might have been so enamored with him because of the whirlwind romance that included flowers, candlelight dinners, outrageously expensive gifts considering the time you’d been together, and romantic getaways that also included great sex.
No, don’t keep thinking if you can only get it right, or do all the things he asks, those days will probably return.
I rather hate to tell you this, but you’re probably wrong. Oh, he might act that way now and then to keep you hooked in and believing you’re about to rediscover Camelot, but he is only seducing you—again.
A narcissist is like a leopard; he can not change his spots. Okay, he might be able to change if he really wanted to do so. But if you are in love with a narcissist, you need to understand that you’ll likely be seeking counseling on how to leave a narcissist long before he’s inclined to seek help on how to alleviate himself of his narcissistic tendencies.
If you have a narcissistic husband, listen very carefully: Narcissists seduce you with their charm, the romance, and the great sex. Once they have you hooked, things change—and not for the good.
In fact, is the great sex still so great? Or instead, is it about him and his needs and wants? Also, you might feel he has to give a great performance, and you’re always expected to commend him for a job well done, too. And rather than feeling closer to him, instead, have you felt you’ve become more and more merely an object to him?
There is even a chance the great sex has switched over into sexual abuse. Perhaps the transition has been so gradual, however, that you haven’t actually seen the truth about what was happening—or where you have ended up as a result. But if you stop and think about your sexual relationship with your narcissistic spouse, you might realize you’ve been doing things that don’t appeal to you sexually, but only to him. In fact, they might make you feel degraded.
He not only doesn’t bring flowers anymore, but it is probably worse than that. You’d realize that if you got real about your marriage.
Yes, it is probably hardly a relationship in the sense that you define the word. Are you always worrying about what might please or displease him? And to ensure you do neither, do you do things against your personal values?
You probably want to avoid his narcissistic rage. And again, you hope if you’ll only do as he wants, things will be like they were in the early days—when you held hands and made love in a romantic haze.
Again, it is time to get real. That was an act to suck you in. Now, though, if he is walkingaround being his self centered and grandiose self, engaging in emotional abuse and verbal abuse that causes your self worth to slip away daily, he is nonetheless likely being the man he will continue to be.
If you are codependent, you might well be able to somehow survive the emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and sexual abuse. You might keep telling yourself that the sexual abuse is not sexual abuse because you actually are okay with what he asks of you—as kinky as it perhaps has become.
I suspect you might be shut down and out of touch with your feelings, however. You also might be taking pride in your ability to cope with things you shouldn’t have to cope with anyway. And if that is the case, realize you are not the first and last woman to make this discovery. Frankly, I myself have been there; I took pride in my martyrdom. But really, what’s the sense in that?
I decided I didn’t like being in a relationship with a narcissist. I also knew I never wanted to be in a relationship with one again, though I suspect I met one or two along the path on my way to recovery from codependency.
Your life is yours to live as you please; you have to make your own choices. I suspect, though, that you give your life—and your narcissistic spouse—a good hard look. You might realize you’ve been bonded to a fantasy that was probably never more than that. Meanwhile, you stay stuck loving a narcissist while he serves up a mixture of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse—and some great times, too—to keep you hooked in and doing exactly what he pleases.
Why should you expect differently? Remember, he is self centered, he is self absorbed, and he lacks empathy. And because of his grandiosity, he feels entitled to do as he pleases. In turn, everyone else is here to serve him and meet his needs.
They must be kept in line and under his thumb.
Yes, these are the spots of the narcissist. And no, they probably will not change. So really, is spending your life loving a narcissist the best use of both your love and your time?
I hope your moving your head back and forth
I am a little pissed. Nope. take that back. I am totally pissed. You tell me that you have to exhibit that you are severely brought down with a learning disability in order for testing from a school of your community who is responsible for testing for learning disabilities? Talk to the insurance companies. They will tell you they won't cover testing for certain things.... It's your schools responsibility.
What the fuck?
Sounds like a catch 22 to me.
damned if you do. damned if you don't.
I don't want a frickin' diagnosis to get her things she don't need. But she does need help getting around the disability.
And yes, see what we put up with from schools in our area?
I feel the need to pursue this more.
I totally intend to!
I am madder than a yellow jacket wasp nest!
look out. Gloves are coming off.
Over and out!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Who wouldn't want to have 3 or 4 or 5 best friends!?!?! Someone else to keep your kids so you could work. Someone to make meals if you hated to make meals. Someone else to fight with your dh. Someone to be on your side. Playmates for your kids. What a large homeschool I would have!
Now, I'm too selfish for that lifestyle. I like having my husband to myself. I can't imagine that on top of the fire department, on top of his church service, on top of his normal job, on top of his part time job . . . I can't imagine my husband having to divide what time is left between 3 or 4 wives, including me! Yikes, the man would never sleep. Or if he did, it wouldn't be in my bed EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.
So, then being a Bible believing Christian, my thoughts turn to: what does the Bible say about polygamy? Honestly, I haven't looked yet. My dh says there is no DIRECT commandment against it, but it is strongly suggested against.
I plan to look into it more. Come back here to see what I've discovered.
Until next time,
The Lovely Lioness
Monday, January 3, 2011
Once a cheater… always a cheater. Right? Isn’t that the saying? My husband cheated on me. With a woman he had had a prior relationship with and a sexual relationship with. Before our third anniversary too. And with a woman he lost his virginity with, I suspect. He blames the affair on me. I fight with him too much. Always when he has been drinking too (which by the way is every single night for the last two years). I cry over it almost every night and he gets mad at me saying “It’s not gonna work.” He says. YOU RUINED US!!!! Just how the hell do you get over something like that? How? Please tell me! I delete the pictures of his erect stimulated penis I saw in his phone he sent this other woman. Him playing with himself while thinking of HER? In MY bathtub? Texting and calling her at 3 am? 537 times in a 30 day perios. Three hours of phone conversation in that same month! On Christmas??? New Years?? Just how am I supposed to get over this? He shows me no compassion or consideration? And has never truly shown remorse. Just two angry apologies and many “I won’t do it again” or “I learn my lesson”. Oh that makes it okay doesn’t it. Yeah like I can ever believe that. Oh I learned my lesson too, I cannot trust this man I entrusted with my heart. I was in a horrible accident this summer and he showed no compassion. “What you think I never broke a bone?” His reaction. I still had to do it all all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, AFTER WORK!!!! With 12 breaks in my arm and a broken leg. I went back to work in casts after only three weeks. Against the doctors orders. I was in the hospital for four days and when he finally arrived to visit he would stay a mere 15 to 20 minutes (if that) then do on his drunken backroad drive. Oh but four months after his knee surgery he still …. Whatever. I am the one with the problems he says. I am to believe that I cause all the issues in this marriage. I want sex. I want a love life! I want to feel valuable, important and loved. I want to feel special. I am willing to forgive him if only he PRETEND he wants me! I truly love him that is why it hurts so much, and that I believe is my mistake. He treats me like shit all the time. Just someone to blame all the problems in the world on and if I ever have something I need to talk about… OH HEAVEN FORBID! Just get over it right? How do you think he would react if I did what he did? Think he could get over it so easy? If I betrayed his trust? Even just a fraction of the betrayal he violated!!!!!