Grief is so cyclical and can hit you hard, before you even know it.
In our church's circle there was a baby girl born much earlier than expected, but was doing fine at first. (Her grandparents and aunts attend my church, but her immediate family does not). A couple of weeks ago, she was hospitalized for bowel issues. Diagnosed with something that required surgery to fix. She was unstable and so they couldn't do surgery. She was starting to stabilize when they got BAD news today. A test determined that half her brain was dead and pushing on the other half. I got a text from my best friend with the prayer chain message. It didn't register. I just texted back, "ok".
Later in the afternoon I was sitting with the kids doing a lapbook and watching a children's program for a review. Somehow I got onto Facebook and saw all the updates and requests for prayer for this little girl. I read over and over again about the brain damage. Suddenly it clicked. I dialed my best friend's number. It rang and rang and rang. Finally I hung up. I barely hung up and the phone rang. She had just missed my call. She asked what I wanted and I stuttered and stammered and started to sob.
Me: I can't . ... I don't know how....
Me: I want to be strong... I thought I was better... I want to help...
Friend: It's about that baby, right?
Friend: You don't want any more updates.
Friend: I am not surprised to receive this call. Every time I went to update this prayer request, I cringed telling you. I'm sorry. I know this is hard for you.
Me: I'm taking a Facebook break.
Friend: Just block the people talking about it.
Me: I'd have to block everyone. (And I started listing the people I'd seen updating.)
Friend: Wow, yeah, you would have to block everyone.
My son died due to brain damage. He was starved of oxygen at birth. We prayed for a miracle. Our church people prayed for a miracle. We prayed and begged and tried not to bargain with God for his life.
I think they are dumb to continue to pray for a miracle. If that baby continues to live, if they keep that baby on machines.... They are dumb. They are selfish. They are mean and cruel.
(Please know this is the grief talking. I don't really feel this way, not really.)
Maybe God will just do this miracle to prove me wrong. If so, good for Him and good for them. But why couldn't He do that miracle for me? Why didn't I get to keep my firstborn son?
There are so many tangents my mind goes when I reach this point. My life and what it would be like now had my baby lived. And whether he fully recovered or whether he lived disabled and to what severity. My marriage and how it survived and what if it hadn't of survived. The parents of this baby . . . will they make it with their marriage intact? What is my role in this situation? I don't even know the parents personally. And not often, but sometimes, what did I do wrong to loose my baby?
For now, I'll leave the questions and end this post here.
Until next time,
The Lovely Lioness